I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!

I’m almost 49!  

I see new grooves on my face.

Waves of experiences carved like a stream across my skin.

I gaze in the mirror marveling at the changes in my body.

Some moments I love what I see. I tell myself I have timeless beauty and that I really am “all that” and more.

Some moments I feel scared that I’m not as appealing or sexy or lovable. I fall prey to the influences of a society obsessed with youth and flawlessness.

Some moments I am like… WTF??? How did I get to be this age?

And in each moment, underneath it all, is an unwavering devotion to live my best life.

To make a difference. To honor my design. To enjoy my freedom.

I think I am. Yet I know there’s so much more for me to be and do.

In some ways, I feel like I’m JUST getting started!

The thing is…

I am motivated by time in a new way.

Perimenopause changed me.

The last year of my 40’s is upon me.

I can feel gripped by the inevitable passage of my body temple and identity as ‘Kendra’ being laid to rest upon Mother Earth.

I will become the dirt.

I will become the compost providing nutrients for new life to seed and bloom.

I will become a different form of the expression of the Divine.

It’s hard for me to write this.

For most of my life I’ve been in denial about death.

Some of it was simply a function of age… I did feel an unbounded sense spaciousness and I took things for granted.

Now I feel the confines of time.

Initially when this awareness flooded me in 2016 at the onset of perimenopause, I would panic.

My breath would become shallow, my heart beat would race and I’d spin out in a chemical cocktail of anxiety.  

I believed that I was dying right then.

I had no control, and I kept thinking…. I DON’T WANT TO DIE!

Over time I learned how to soothe myself through these episodes.

What I realized from this intense rite of passage is that I love being here and I have a lot more living I want to do.

I am not ready to go!!

I was taken back by this deep desire to live, just how much I really wanted it.

Especially because there were times as a girl and young woman in depressed, anxious and deflated states, I entertained that perhaps it’d just be easier to not be here.

So…

… I’m reflecting, evaluating and getting real.

I’m looking at where I still sabotage and hold myself back.

I’m admitting things I really want to experience.

I’m being honest with myself about changes I need to make.

I’m identifying my priorities and where I most want to put my precious life force.

It’s humbling. And exciting.

I know myself like never before.I care less about the external trappings that previously robbed me from of my truth and well being.

So, 49…

I’m preparing for you!

I am eager to make the most of time with you.

I am a bit trepidatious given you’re a “last of” in a decade.

And yet my sense is that you have a lot to show me about this next era of my expression now that I am grounded
more fully in my unapologetic freedom.

I will meet you soon. Let’s do this.

With all that I am,

 

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

ps. When I passionately invite you to join me in adventures like our Embodied Wealth Mexico Retreat, it’s with this amplified awareness that LIFE IS NOW.

I do not market to GET you or anyone to do something that doesn’t really serve you. There’s enough frivolous things to waste your money and time on.

Rather, I want to help you wake up so that you are deciding and living based on what is truly aligned for you.

Most people trod along with a certain degree of unconsciousness.

Justifying not taking action and pursuing their greatest hearts desires.

Excusing why now is not the time.

Panic has given me glimpses of the other side. It’s coming.

Will you have lived??