Dammit.
Today is my last day being 46!
Truth be told, I feel mopey and down.
Not because of my age.
But because I had a great vision for my day that has not come to life.
I was going to leap out of bed with the inspiration to reflect, write, go for a hike and create closure in a meaningful way.
Instead, I felt a flutter in my heart in the early hours that prompted anxiousness about what that meant for my day ahead.
More on that in a minute. I am about to come out about something big.
This is one of my most vulnerable shares yet.
So rather of an ideal picture of me flying high in my bliss through the sunny hillside, you have a real, raw photo of me crying this afternoon.
I know. Not flattering.
But hey.
I’m here to lead in a new way.
And the truth is if you just see me always in the idyllic persona of a lifestyle you dream of, you’ll remain limited in the belief that you can’t have what I have because I am always so frickn’ happy frolicking through this unattainable dance of success.
Not only that.
*What if it WAS just as flattering to cry as it was to smile?
*What if the belief that I’m not as likable in this raw state dissolved into love?
*What if I and WE became a culture of embracing the beauty in all our expressions?
Okay, so back to my morning.
I drove my niece to school. I enjoyed that.
She asked me if I’d be announcing a special for my clients since it’s my birthday. WOW! I was struck by her memory of me having done that last year.
(The answer is yes, by the way. Keep an eye out.)
Anyway, I got home and I felt so UN-inspired.
Then my critic jumped into my head nailing me with all the reasons that I should feel bad about myself.
Geez. That sucks.
Who invited you to my last-day-being-46-party??
Ok. I can do this.
My coach has been working with me on loving my inner critic.
Kisses. Smooches. Hugs. “You’re so lovable, Kendra.”
Gawd. Shouldn’t I be OVER this by now?!
Hasn’t all my healing and personal growth given me some GOLDEN ticket out of these moments for good?
Ah, right. There’s one thing getting in my way.
I am resisting my feelings. I am falling into the all so common illusion that spiritual evolution means that I will by-pass my humanity.
But I am human. I’m not a star. I have feelings. I don’t just glow in the sky!
I have a woman’s body. With a heart. A gushy, caring heart that pours with love for humanity and cries at the most inconvenient moments!
I have hormones that are changing, carrying me from one mood to another with a sense of total helplessness and no control!
Ok. Right. I can do this.
So I’ll get to work on my Birthday Special. That will be fun.
2 hours into the writing… and my computer crashes.
WTF??
I feel a temper tantrum coming on.
No. That’s ok. I don’t have to react. I can BE with this.
Deep sigh.
Let it go.
It’s a full moon, remember? A time of completion.
And I read this earlier from Mystic Mamma:
*FULL MOON in SCORPIO opens a gateway to our truest depths, where we can really tune into our hearts deepest desires, and gleam our truest reflection.
If we can take this time to sit with ourselves, and be truthful about all we reject and deny, we can uncover, untangle and reclaim ourselves in our fullness.
We are both light and shadow, dancing and meeting each other in each other, to be ultimately reconciled within.*
Ah, yes.
This is it.
The parts I want to reject and deny.
This is the shadow. The more I reject and deny, the harder it gets.
My parts want to be enveloped with acceptance, not relegated to the “bad girl” corner.
I have poured a large amount of my energy and resources into JUST this task in the last 15 months.
To LOVE myself. Fully. Completely. Unconditionally.
That’s what I’m doing in this picture. With the ocean as my witness. Igniting the love of my heart.
Speaking of my heart. Earlier I told you about a fluttering in it.
Well, it started January 2016.
That was the beginning of the health crisis, dark night,
spiritual awakening, perimenopause hoo-haw I’ve been opening up about.
For the 1st several weeks my heart was pounding non-stop.
Through out the year it would return.
With it came something like I’ve never experienced.
PANIC.
Gripping. Terrifying. Undoing. Panic. Attacks.
That’s right.
Me.
Seasoned coach. Manifestor. Conscious
creator. Woman of the Feminine mysteries.
Facilitator of change. Catalyst for healing.
Successful entrepreneur. Leader of leaders.
I developed an anxiety disorder.
It feels important to tell you this now.
I needed to come out about it on my last day of being 46 as an act of self love.
I know it’s not your typical “coming out” party. HA!
But it feels good to get that out and be real about this very trying aspect of my walk in the world.
Since I’ve been thrust into this path, I’ve discovered that 18 million Americans alone struggle with anxiety disorders! I had no idea.
What I want you to know is that I’m good.
I don’t need you to pity me or be concerned about me.
I don’t want care-takey messages or attempts to rescue me from the hardship.
I do welcome your witness.
Your capacity to be with me as I am.
Your willingness to sit in the struggle without trying to cover up the awkwardness.
Your confidence that I and we are ok.
Your respect for the courageous woman and leader I am.
Your praise for my ability to be with it and glean whatever I can for my highest good and to – in turn – serve others (you) better.
On some level, I’m stronger than ever.
My unraveling has made me more me.
And I’m even more awake to the preciousness of life.
There you have it. My last day of 46.
Blessed be.
