In this moment.

I’m feeling LOW as I navigate the heaviness of a migraine again.

I planned on unpacking boxes and nesting more today in my new home.
I planned on exercising. I planned on readying my temple for a productive week ahead.

Instead, I’m laying flat. In pain.

And you know what? I’m noticing a part of me judging myself.

I’m lazy.
I have no value.
I should be able to pull myself together and get
productive.
I should be better than this.

Really? Because I have an extreme headache??!!!

Interestingly, I’ve been doing big healing this last 18 +months around self-love and have realized at another level a VERY harsh inner critic. Berating. Punitive.

I cower in her presence. She tears me down.

I hadn’t really recognized how deep and erosive this part of me is.

I just thought it was a normal part of life to live with this punishing voice. I just thought it was “their issue” (It’s been mirrored to me in relationships).

I just filled my anxiety about it with numbing tactics.

Over the decades it’s been a variety of agents–alcohol to dissociation to drama in relationships. Even my travels and personal growth quests at times were forms of escape hidden
in disguise.

Decades of this pattern has wreaked havoc on me. Last year it contributed to a break down. My body and being just couldn’t and wouldn’t hold the damage that had built up over the years.

I’ve also been able to see its debilitating effect on my writing. My book has stalled to the point of great anxiety for me at times.

While the pain has brought me to my knees time and again, I know that this is part of a greater healing.

I’m doing what it takes. Showing up for it.
Feeling the feelings. Facing the fears.

I’m discovering how to LOVE myself more fully and unconditionally.

Wow. I can’t believe I wrote all that. Through squinty eyes and pulsing temples, I took to writing to help the energy move.
(My book coaches would be pleased.)

 

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA

ps. This too shall pass.

I look forward to serving you this week…