Death is a relentless teacher.
It doesn’t ever go away.
Its presence in our journey is real and inevitable.
I’ve honestly had an extremely difficult time with death in the last 20 + months since the onset of my nervous breakdown and anxiety attacks.
MORE on that painstaking period in a minute…
First I want to share the news that my great aunt Lavern passed away the other night.
I give honor and gratitude for her life.
She was the first in her family to go to college and was proud of her business degree.
Tenacious and loyal (it runs in the family), she was the last of her generation on my dad’s side.
(Me, Lavern & my sister in Georgia, September 11, 2015. I loved that sassy twinkle I always saw in her eyes!)
I love you, Lavern. Fly free.
Her passing and my grief brought me close to emotion that I have not been able to touch in a while without collapsing in on myself.
This brings me back to my reference of the fear of death that surfaced with my health crisis last year.
If you weren’t aware yet (we have hundreds of new members in my community!)…
… Last year I was unexpectedly and abruptly thrust into a health crisis that had me completely undone.
I was in Sedona, Arizona leading a VIP day with a client.
The night of our successful day, I was cozied in my room feeling the gratification of another day well spent in service to women’s empowerment…
… and suddenly the room started spinning.
The days that followed were consumed with severe fear.
Heart palpitations, awful nausea, constant shakes & more.
Little did I know that this was just the beginning of many many months of symptoms, and the start of a dark night of my soul that would crack me open like never before.
It was an amalgamation of things that led to this break down.
To name a few….
* An ending of a relationship that was representative of a lifetime pattern of losing myself in childhood wounds and dysfunction
* The awakening on the planet that was calling me out to my next level of expansion and leadership
* Unhealed parts that were no longer able to remain un-integrated and stored away in the dark recesses of my unconscious
* The initiation of perimenopause
HOLY GODDESS. I was unraveling.
When my attacks would set in, the terror was unlike anything I ever experienced. It totally gripped me, and I was convinced I was dying.
My nervous system would freak out and I’d be consumed by fight/flight/fright mode. I sincerely believed I was in imminent danger.
I took this picture while flattened in bed.
Why am I showing you this vulnerable picture?!!
Why am I divulging details of my worst times?!!
In some schools of thought, this could be the demise of my business.
I could lose clients as on lookers (maybe you!) pull away from me, unsure if I’m qualified to hold myself together long enough to serve you well. But the truth is. I don’t give a sh*t.
My greater commitment is to being true to myself.
And if I lose business being true myself, then it was never good business for me to begin with.
ALSO….
I am committed to the NEW PARADIGM of leadership, which requires transparency.
We are drowning (literally in some cases as mother earth does her part in waking us up) in the ripples of shadowy leadership.
We need a new norm in leadership that includes a compassionate space in which our humanity is welcomed and integrity is upheld.
We can’t do this when leaders are hiding in polished pseudo representations of life that don’t even exist.
Not only do leaders get entangled in a web of deceit and lies that inevitability catches them, followers are disillusioned about what and who they can really trust.
So. Death.
Death is persistent. Its pursuit is a gift reminding us of the preciousness of life.
When I was holding a candle light vigil for Lavern, feeling her transition to another dimension of being, I could hear deaths whisper.
“Live, live, LIVE! Now is the time. Don’t put off doing and
being what you most long for. When it’s over, it’s over.”
I am slowly getting to know the teachings of my dark night, including the fear of death.
What I can say for sure is that one of my biggest fears is regret.
In certain times when my panic has taken over and the pressure of “time” feels compressed, I am scared it is over.
I am not ready! I’m not ready to die! I’m not ready to be done with this life.
I’m still attached to being Kendra. I’m still wanting so much more out of this life.
And when it IS over, I want to feel in every fiber of my being that I did what I came to do and walked a path that fulfilled my soul in the most meaningful ways.
I won’t be on my deathbed plagued with regret.
Thank you for helping me see the lessons, Lavern!
Now, sister.
I want you to take this heartfelt share seriously!!
Let it touch the places in you longing to come out of slumber.
Let it arouse your fear of death – not in a panic way – but in a healthy way that helps you keep the perspective of the short time you have here to be ALIVE.
If this message speaks to you and you know that your awakening is in motion at a level that requires more tools to grow your leadership and gifts, take my invitation to join us at Wealthy Goddess LIVE.
NOTE that I’m not for everyone, so please take the time to read the page and make a considered yet intuitive decision as to whether you are ready to show up in your fullness and richness through my powerful mentoring.
With all that I am,
Kendra E Thornbury, MA
ps Life is short. Life is precious. Do what matters. Be true to you.
