GROWING UP I WAS OBSESSED WITH PLEASING OTHERS.

Not because I cared about what they thought of me, but because I believed it was key to belonging and getting ahead.

Approval equaled love.

As a sensitive, I studied the art of contortion.

Appeasing their needs.
Bowing to their wants.
Shape shifting for their satisfaction.
Totally forgoing my boundaries.

I even became masterful at anticipating energy so as to avoid the gut punch of negative repercussions or to gain the praises I craved to be known through.

Looking back, I marvel at my ability to construct a world to help me get by. I’ve grieved the loss of me — how choice by choice I rejected myself in the quest to please.
~*~

My healing has been like an onion. Peeling away layer after layer.

That’s not me.
That’s not mine.
That’s not true.

Then, the rediscovering. What IS me? What IS mine? What IS true?

Now I know.

And while some voices curse me for remaining loyal to what is correct and healthy for me, I reside more than ever in the knowing that INTEGRITY IS MY WEALTH.

It began with me choosing to please me again.

To do away with the sick influences of colonization and dominator culture that keep codependence and martyrdom alive.

To listen to, trust and elevate what pleases me down to the core.

I get visits from my ‘other pleaser’. Her days of contortion are a dance of a past, yet she still longs to see people happy.

Sometimes, she forgets it’s not her job. Flinching in the face of dissatisfaction and suffering, she wonders if she just held back a bit… perhaps she’d contribute to their relief? Or, if she relinquished what pleased her… perhaps she’d make space for their fulfillment?

Her concerns are met with the love of the wise woman, nurturing her back to her center reminding her that truly… her highest Divine offering is TO PLEASE HERSELF.

With all that I am,

Kendra E Thornbury, MA